I'm new here.

Hi! I’m Bryan! I’m a Gemini (Well, I once was. Now that the Zodiac changed, I have no idea. I’m having identity issues. Thanks a lot, cosmic forces.) I enjoy a good book (not really), walks on the beach (really not really), baseball (really) and the overuse of parentheses (really really). Baseball and parentheses are all that is real in my world. Anyways, now that introductions are out of the way, let’s take a look at the worst day of my life, shall we? Nothing screams “Read me!” like the misfortune of a fat dude!

I know what you’re thinking: “Here comes the paralyzed story.” Nah. The day I broke my neck I had some Hostess Donettes, so I consider that day a net win. No, I’m talking about a experience far more scarring.

It was the summer of 2009 and air was in the air. My mother, sister and I were visiting my Nanny, who had recently been moved to a nursing facility that focused on patients with Alzheimer's. Seeing as how this was my first visit to the new facility, I was a little nervous to see my Nanny in that setting. There is no question that this new facility was the best place for my Nanny to be regarding her well-being, but I had already decided that if she gave me any inclination of wanting to be out of that place, I was going to tell her to jump on the back of my chair and we'd make a break for it. Visions of OJ and the white Ford Bronco, except with wheelchairs, danced in my head. I specifically asked my mother, “What if Nanny ask to be taken home? What should I say? ” After being reassured that my grandmother had adjusted very well in the first few days at her new home by my mom, my tension eased a little as I rolled into the facility. When first seeing my Nanny, here was the exchange:

Me actually: “Hey, Nanny!”

Nanny: “Hey, baby! I'm going to go home with you!”

My instinct: “Damn right you are! Let's get out of here!”

Me actually: *speechless*

Our visit started on the exact opposite note in which I had hoped. After a few minutes of visiting, however, the discussion changed and I was able to relax and just visit. At this point, I had gotten comfortable with the new setting and I was enjoying just spending time with my grandmother. That's when it happened. Suddenly, I heard a loud, unfamiliar voice proudly announce: “I'm going to sit in your lap!” After searching the room for the origin of this mysterious proclamation, I quickly found the body that accompanied the voice. And that body had a finger attached to it that was pointed squarely at me. Being the quick thinker I am, I responded with, “Huh…wha…no.” My sister, thinking much quicker in this situation than I, said, ”No! You can't do that. You will hurt him!" After Amanda’s excuse was accepted, this lady responded with. “Let me give you a kiss, at least." The next thing you need to know is that I’m an extreme germaphobe. Sharing a Coke is the same as sharing a hypodermic needle, in my mind. However, I realize that old women tend to kiss, so I sucked it up and presented my cheek. Silly me. As I braced myself, this woman grabbed my head and forcefully turned it to hers. She was not interested in a silly peck on the cheek, she was coming at me face-to-face with a mouth wide open and tongue exposed. In that moment, I saw my life flash before my eyes; and my life had considerably fewer teeth than I had remembered. I was as confused as Richard Simmons at the Playboy Mansion, I had no idea what to do. I quickly yelled, “MOOOOOOOOOOM!” Meanwhile, my mother, who the Lord gave me to for her to protect and shield from emotionally debilitating situations, was sitting beside me laughing too hard to say anything. In what felt like 20 minutes, but in all actuality was 2 seconds, Amanda arrived, grabbed the woman and told her, “You are going to hurt his neck! Kiss him on the cheek!” Saved by Sis again. The lady reluctantly agreed, and gave me a peck on the cheek. However, at this point I’d lost any desire to try and be polite, so I yelled out “THIS WOMAN IS AN ANIMAL! SOMEONE NEEDS TO LOCK HER UP!” As soon as I left, I immediately got the Germ-X bottle in the back of our van and wiped 3/4 of a bottle on my cheek. 

I have never been so horrified and disgusted in all of my life. Before any old woman ever kisses me again, I am making them sign a legally binding waiver.