Facebook Lunacy

My Facebook page is a disaster, but it's my disaster. Please don't take anything I say seriously. None of it was written with a serious tone. Also, one day when I'm not feeling lazy, maybe I'll go back and add some context to some of the posts. Anyways, its complete idiocy, but hopefully you find something in there that you'll enjoy!

File this under "TMI", but bashfulness waved "bye-bye" 6 1/2 years ago. I was at the Dr. today for a problem I've been having. The procedure they do is awkward, to say the least. Let's just say it involves me showing my rear...and not in the figurative sense in which I'm very accustomed. Well, I'm a bigger idiot during "awkward" than I normally am, so I THOUGHT I would crack a few jokes to ease the tension - at least mine. Nurse walks in, I'm there, already in "awkward" position, so I say, "This has to be the rudest greeting a patient has ever given you.". She replies with, "..........." complete silence. So, having just upped the awkward, you would THINK I learned my lesson. Nope. Dr. walks in and I say, "Good moonin', Doc." To which she replies with "..............." a longer silence. I just buried my head in the pillow and cried inside, while Mom had a "Is it too late too put him up for adoption?" look.

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Nothing screams "awesome" more than an Ensure Plus (That's right, an Ensure PLUS. I'm hardcore like that.) on a Saturday night. If someone bust out the Snack Pack's, I'm not responsible for the behavior that follows.

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Tonight should be fun. Troup (brother) vs. Winona (future brother-in-law). After Christmas Eve, I don't even think we're allowed to play board games at Mom and Dad's.

I'm going to hop on the winners side so I can kick the other while they're down.

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Instead of calling plays, I like to imagine Standford's huddle as a place for serious political debate. "I will have my rebuttal following this sweep. BREAK!"

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The great thing about stockings with my siblings is their multiple uses. Brent can use it as a sleeping bag. Amanda can use them as ankle socks. Russ, well, that's anyone's guess.

And after they read this they can fill them with bars of soap and beat me with them.

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We took out a deer on our way home from Houston today. Did I scream like a 10 year old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert? NO. Would I have screamed like a 10 year old girl had I seen the deer sooner? 98.7% chance.

On a side note, Sweet Kev is the best hunter ever. Seriously, other hunters use stands, guns and camo. Kev? Give him headlights, a tank of gas and keys..he'll get a deer. That's 3 for him. It's like he's playing real life Frogger.

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If the Rangers lose tonight, I am going to cry. I'm not talking about the "boo hoo! I broke my neck, I can't walk" sissy kind of stuff. I am talking about the Old Yeller "Hey Travis, what are you doing?..Travis, Where are you going with that gun? TRAVIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? OMG TRAVIS YOU SHOT YELLER...I HATE YOU TRAVIS!" type meltdown. So Rangers, please don't contract "hydrophobee".

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I'm pretty sure what that Dr. just did is considered assault in 47 states...and Puerto Rico.

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Trying to shave in this house and every electric razor (3) has gone dead. I asked dad if he could touch it up with a straight razor and his response was, "Ooh."

Boy, that is comforting. Please pray for my jugular!

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John Skelton and Stephen McGee make me think I've given up on my dream of being a NFL QB too soon. I'm foregoing my final semester at SFASU and entering the 2011 NFL Draft. If you have arms (functionality not required), you should join me.

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Each year I tell myself I'm not going to get emotionally invested in the Mavs. And by the end of the first game I'm yelling, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? YOU'RE ALL MORONS!"

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It sounds like Cavs fans calling LeBron an apple, which is a lot nicer than what they're actually chanting.

"AAA-PPLE! AAA-PPLE! AAA-PPLE!""

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Getting a leg cramp when you're paralyzed makes less than zero sense to me. Apparently I overexerted myself while dreaming. That's the last time I face that Yankee lineup without proper imaginary hydration.

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The Rangers have signed a Japanese pitcher (Yoshinori Tateyama...YOSHI!) and a Dutch IF (Nick Urbanus...*giggle*) today. Texas Rangers: Winning Pennants While Keeping World Peace Since Mid-October 2010!

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Not sure ESPN should be running a promo for a show with the tag line of, "When they said they came in peace, they lied." during a Flordia St. SEMINOLES game.

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Watching Boise St. last night I came to this conclusion – their roster is filled with guys with “Revenge of the Nerds” sounding last names. Evidence: Winterswyk, Tjong-A-Tjoe, Sosnowski, Pendergast, Jungblut, Febis, Efaw, Brotzman, Borgman, Audagnotti. My spell check just went on a bender.

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Nothing like Thanksgiving...spaghetti? The Indians and Pilgrims were huge on carbo loading, apparently. Meanwhile, Scott and Jennifer finished their turkey in our oven. It was like watching your brother open a really cool toy for Christmas that you wanted, while your stuck opening another sweater.

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Up at 4:45 for my daily ritual of staring into a mirror with admiration. Extraordinary good looks is my blessing and curse.

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Family Thanksgiving today. I'm loading up on tryptophan...and Xanax.

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I often tell my nephews, "If you don't give Uncle B the rest of your cheeseburger, he's not going to love you anymore." Life is about choices, kids.

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Hanging with Pops today. baseball-reference.com, here I come. He once forgot I was born in 1983, but remembers every score and winning pitcher from the 1966 World Series. Pops loves Jim Palmer more than me. Although, in his defense, Palmer did throw a CGSO in game 2. What have I done lately?

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What the crap! Under my mom’s Facebook information it says "Children: Amanda Smith." So I woke up today still paralyzed, and now she drops this bombshell on me? I wonder what Brent will think about me and him being orphaned. Thanks a lot MO....I mean Brenda.

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The Cowboys are putrid, the Horns are average, the Rangers are winning, I just had a dream that I have 3 homework assignments due tomorrow that I haven't completed. It's official I am living in 1999, What's everyone else doing for Y2K?

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How ironic would it be if you went into a movie store and asked where you could find the complete 1st season of "Lost" and the employee said "I don't remember".

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Alright, my wreck was 6 years ago today. Lets pause to refle....ok, enough reflecting. Anyways, I was on my way to work when it happened. Unfortunately, I was a "butcher" terrified by knives and saws. So, technically, I was on my way to play broom hockey and pallet jack race (both my creations) for $7 an hour. You know, high rollin type stuff. Needless to say, I was a little late - 6 years, 10 hours by my calculations. I think I'm going to roll in tomorrow, full Brookshire Bros. uniform, look at my boss, and say, "Sorry. You would not believe the traffic out there!

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Sure wish that Nigerian Prince who e-mailed me would hurry with that money transfer. I mean, I understand he's on the run with all the political turmoil and stuff, but how about dropping a text, Prince Alyusi Islassis? I'm not sure how he got my e-mail? He's probably a member of the same Rangers blogs as me. Anyways, 25% of $47,500,000, and I only have to invest $10,000? Yes, please!

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Just got back from the doctor. I hope everyone is sitting down. Apparently, I'm paralyzed. I know, I know...total shock to me, too.

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My Dad either: a) assembles an Indian war party in our living room around midnight, every night. b) wants to teach us that violent screaming and gunfire can errupt at anytime. You're never safe. c) watches tv too loud.

Nothing will jolt you awake at 3 AM like the fear of an impending scalping.

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Just looking ahead a little bit and realized Amanda's wedding is just a little over 5 months away. I was shocked when I started to get a little emotional. I can't promise that I didn't get a little misty eyed.

I mean, Rangers vs. Mets as the FOX Game of the Week and I'll miss it. What are the odds?

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It's so cold...

"How cold is it!?!"

It's so cold I can't tell if it's weather or paralysis preventing me from feeling my toes.

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I've been attempting to trace my family history cause that's what the cool kids are doing these days. If you've ever thought about doing it, put your head in the fridge and have someone slam the door - all the fun in only a fraction of the time! Bryan Smith Anyways, it appears my Great X's 4 Grandfather was born and raised in Newark, New Jersey. I dropped everything I was doing and busted out a 10 minute "fist pumping" salute. I've seen all I need. My work is done.

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The entire family is huddled around the radio listening to the Troup vs. Elkhart game. This has to be what Joe Louis vs. Max Schmeling felt like. You know, minus the facebook.

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After observing it for 15 seconds, I've come to the realization that I'm slightly more mobile, and significantly less cool than my oscillating fan. Fan off. I refuse to be taunted by household appliances.

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Surgery Thursday in Winnsboro. I'm fine with the "surgery" and "Thursday"part; it's the "Winnsboro " part that has me saying "Whaaa?". Guess I'll take advantage of the "FREE TIRE ROTATION WITH PROOF OF SURGERY!" promotion.

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Thanks so much for the prayers & well wishes everyone. I have, without a doubt, the best family & friends a person could ask for. Dr. says 6 more weeks of bed rest. Six weeks, in a confined space, with myself? That has to fall under "Cruel and unusual punishment".

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First Spring Training game televised tonight and it happens to be against the Giants. It hurts me, it hurts me right in the heart. I'm going to pretend that the World Series never happened, and this game is for the title.

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I love the first Thursday and Friday of the NCAA tournament. I get to be lazy, unproductive, and watch sports all day. Eerily similar to the other 363 days in the year.

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Just had a nurse say, "You're not paralyzed, are you?". I'm not sure what would lead to such a question. Perhaps it was the large wheelchair 3 ft. away, hands that resemble talons, or lack of movement from the chest down. Anyway, after I answer "Yes.", he says "So, can you walk?".

Help me.

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Channel surfing and I see Astros @ Phillies. Cliff Lee happens to be on the mound for Philly. That Celine Dion song from "Titanic" started playing in the background as a single tear rolled down my cheek.

I wish I knew how to quit you, Cliff.

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Alright, losing two out of three to the Tigers has sent me over the edge. It is time to shut down the rest of Detroit. Michigan has kind of been a failed experiment anyway. Let's just buy Canada and make it our new Michigan. We will call it Canichigan. Problem solved.

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I'm sure he is a super nice guy, but John Rhadigan is terrible at his current job. He makes me want to go Vincent van Gogh on my ears.

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Saw a clip from that show "Extreme Couponing" . I want to see a show about the guy in line behind them. Just an hour of building frustration as the couponer buys 150 of whatever. "Extreme Frustration with the Lady Couponing"...make it happen, TLC.

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If the game "quiet waters, still waters" was just "still waters", I'd dominate.

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Tonight, Jim Knox warned me of the dangers of using "antibiotic steroids". Killing infections and sets of 10 is dangerous, kids.

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Thanks for the prayers and well wishes everyone! I'm feeling pretty good, and it feels good to be home. Hopefully this will be my last surgery for a while. I have no way of knowing this, since I am under sedation, but I have a feeling my doctors play real life "Operation" (the board game) on me while I'm sedated. That is why they enjoy performing so many surgeries on me. During the surgery, if they touch the wrong part of my body, it will buzz, and another doctor gets his chance. It's a pretty sound theory, I feel.

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I've got more wires coming out of me than a surge protector. Transcontinental railroads have shorter tracks than I have scars. Builders of the Sears Tower marvel at how much metal it took to construct me. I am...the most accident prone man in the world. I don't always drink beer, but when I do, it usually goes down the wrong tube and I end up violently gagging for 3-5 minutes.

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Watching the Phillies/Mets last night. For the record, baseball games are a horrible way to receive breaking news: "The 3-1...fouled out of play. Osama Bin Laden killed in Pakistan today. And here's the payoff pitch." (<---slight dramatization)

Anyways, guess I'll always remember where Placido Polanco was the day Bin Laden died.

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Let's go Ranger! Let's go Mavs! Let's go recall button!

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Things more enjoyable than the last three weeks of Ranger baseball: paper-cuts, splinters, essay exams, brain freeze, leg cramps, jury duty, speeding tickets, wearing a tux (looking at you, Amanda), migraines, kidney stones, nasal congestion, etc....

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I always keep an eye out on these storms for the power outage. My bed is a mattress that rotates air, and if the power goes out it deflates. It's kind of awesome too, though. When it deflates, I sink in the middle and the sides stay up. I resemble the world's largest hot dog. So, I have that going for me.

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During the nurses visit today I was thinking to myself, "Man, I can't even remember the last day a stranger hasn't seen me in a manner that is pretty awkward." This led me to deep thought as I tried to find the words to sum up the entire experience. After a lot of pondering, this is how I feel: "HAHA! I've mooned half of East Texas! That has to be some sort of record!"

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Watching the Rangers lose a winnable game sucks. Watching the Rangers lose a winnable game with my Dad is one of my favorite things in the world. It's like shaking a Coke and waiting for it to be opened. You know it's going to explode at any moment and hilarity will follow. It usually goes something like this (edited version)... ‎"Beats any dang thing I've ever seen! Don't have one dang guy in the bullpen that can throw a strike! I'd get rid of every dang one of 'em!". I just sit back and enjoy greatness.

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Dear Serge Ibaka,

HAHA!

With love,
Dirk

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Traveling by ambulance is becoming way more cool to me than it should. Partly because I thoroughly enjoy partying with sterile gauze within reaching distance. The other part because it's my weekly release into civilization. I'm always high-fiving the crew and chanting, "EMT's!...*clap, clap...clap, clap, clap*" when they arrive. And sad piano music starts playing in the background upon their departure.

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Huge W for the geriatric Mavs! The next time I'm in Dallas I'll buy you all a round of ginkgo biloba, fellas.

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J.J. Barea looks like a 4th grader (in stature) on the court. I want to pat him on the head and say, "Way to go, Champ!". After every game, he should be rewarded with a Hi-C and Fruit Roll-Up.

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Looking at the "common side effects" for this new antibiotic. Looks like I can expect to be a nauseous, bloated, insomniac with a chance of mood swings and hallucinations.

Sup, ladies? Who needs a date?

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Woah! Jim Tressel out at Ohio State. Sweater vest manufacturers everywhere are sobbing uncontrollably.

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Mike Napoli has 99 problems (One of which appears to be finding a working shower - dude looks homeless.), but a pitch ain't one.

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LeBron James is really good at tossing spheres through metallic hoops suspended 10 feet off the ground.

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J.J. Barea should be endorsed by Garanimals.

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I've taken to giving daily motivational speeches to my rear to help the healing process. "Come on, little butty! You can do it!". After the nurse leaves and doesn't say, "Completely healed.", I unleash a Bobby Knight-esque, profanity filled tirade on it: ‎"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? On a body filled with underachieving parts, you are by far the biggest underachiever! You're making an a** of yourself! You're the butt of every joke! Get it together!". I need a sedative...and complete psychological.·

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Posed the "Would you rather have the Rangers win the World Series - or Mavs win an NBA title?" to Brent. He answered, "Mavs". After I told him that he doesn't meet the height requirements to cast an official vote in my poll, and my vote should count double to make sure this poll meets ADA requirements, I decided to take it to fb. So, Mavs or Rangers? Currently: Rangers-2, Mavs-0.

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Thanks so much everyone! Really, really appreciate all of the birthday wishes! This is, without a doubt, one of my top 28 birthdays of all-time. I did a little research this morning. The Rangers are 8-17 on June 6 since 1983. The flames on my birthday cake candles have been extinguished by tears of sadness 68% of the time. Thanks a lot, Geno Petralli.

BTW, Dirk, you're still cool. You can still come to my party.

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Brian Cardinal is the greatest NBA player ever with severe male pattern baldness.

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Brent is way too intense during these Mavs games. During game 3, when Mario Chalmers hit the 3 before half, he threw an empty water bottle at the door. I thought, "Be still (easy enough). Blend in with the furniture.". Then Dirk missed the game tying shot and he kicked a chair. I panicked and started to wave my arms so he would know I wasn't furniture.

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When I grow down I want to be J.J. Barea.

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You know when you've been inside too long? I was watching the Horns & Rangers (true "Playa" type stuff), when my face got a flushed feeling all of the sudden. I didn't feel sick. My temperature was fine. After a little looking, I found the problem. I was being "wind" chapped by a new oscillating fan...on low. I applied SPF 15 before typing this to avoid the 2nd degree burn the computer screen would've caused.

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Let's go HornsMavsRangers! *clap, clap,...clap, clap, clap*.
This cheer doesn't flow! It needs help! *clap, clap,...clap, clap, clap*
Let's go HornsMavsRangers! *clap, clap,...clap, clap, clap*.
This cheer doesn't flow! It needs help! *clap, clap,...clap, clap, clap*

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Not only has LeBron choked in the 4th quarters, but he is terrible at dodge ball too. How do you throw a ball at someone 3 feet away and miss them?

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Watching Tampa Bay vs. Detroit. The Tigers have a pitcher named Al Alburquerque. That's the most made up name ever. That sounds like a horrible alias for an ex-con. If I was batting against "Al Alburquerque", I would demand to see a birth certificate before I stepped into the box. "Al Alburquerque" throws a fastball, slider and a shank.

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Dr. appointment today. I'm hoping he'll say I'm healed, but I'm really hoping he'll teach me how to Dougie. If I can learn the proper way to put my arms out front, lean side to side, well, that's an outstanding Dr's visit.

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I'm very happy to be off of bed rest, but it may take me a while to interact with actual human beings. So, ... ‎1.) If we are talking and I have a stunned look on my face, I'm still adjusting to your 3rd dimensioness. 2.) If you say something funny or witty and I start poking you, I'm just looking for your "like" button. 3.) If you ask me to help take care of your farm, aquarium, or join your mafia in person, I'll probably roll off and ignore you, still. (Unless your mafia has a really cool name like the Fightin' Armadillos, then I'll reconsider.)

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I think it's really neat watching this Mavs parade and seeing them honor their roots. J.J. Barea has a Puerto Rican flag. Dirk looks like he is about 12 German beers in. And Ian Mahinmi, from France, is waving a white towel. (No, seriously, he is.) Ian Mahinmi: A true French hero.

Megan Latta You should have been there...we were like 10 feet from them!!

Bryan Smith I think I have a restraining order that stipulates I can't be within 100 feet of Dirk. WHY WON'T YOU RETURN MY CALLS, DIRK!? Seriously, glad y'all had fun!

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I had a dream last night that I was at a social gathering and I noticed there was an older man sitting on the ground. I approached the guy, and as it turns out, he was paralyzed too. So I got up out of my wheelchair and found him one. Subconscious Bryan is a moron, but quite the gentleman. Give me a hug, you big idiot!

Side note: Conscious Bryan is kind of a jerk. I woke up thinking, "That's just dumb. Quit being unrealistic. Now, go back to sleep and hit a walk-off against the Yankees."

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Watched Seattle vs. Philadelphia last night. I'm just letting people know what I did last night, not celebrating the fact that the Phillies have a pitcher named Antonio Bastardo. That would be childish of me. I'm more mature than that.

In fact, Happy Fathers Day to all of you Bastardos out there!

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Amanda is using prizes as a semi-bribe to get the children to walk down the aisle. Maddi and Libby are getting Barbies & Landri is getting a baby doll. These kids are genius. I'm tapping into this market. Let's see how freaking far I make it down the aisle without 2 Rangers tickets. One for me and one for....well, whoever wants to drive. The ball is in your court, Thompsons.

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I regret to inform you that Amanda will not be getting married today. I have set up a impenetrable barricade outside her room. Dad, Brent, and Kev are watching all windows. Sorry for the inconvenience. Also, if someone could go by where the reception is supposed to be and bring me some southwest egg rolls, that would be super. They're delicious, and I may be here a while.

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Dad and Amanda's dance was cool...until Brent & I heard the lyrics: "I'm the center ... of Daddy's world ...I know I'm Daddy's number one...For he loves me like I was his son." Wait, what? YOU HAVE 2 SONS! Might as well add, "The other two...not as important as you." Cold blooded, Pop.

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Watching Dirk's German parade. I don't understand 99% of it, but I was able to understand consecutive sentences the MC said while introducing him: "NBA Finals MVP, Dirk Nowitski! It's D-Day!" (<---BTW, you SURE you want to go there, Mr. MC?) Anyways, I'm now adding "German" to languages I know.

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Things I've learned from Amanda and Adam about their Jamaican honeymoon: 1) Jamaica is beautiful. 2) Swimming with the dolphins was a very cool experience. 3) My sister has the worst fake Jamaican accent EVER. In fact, after listening to her impersonation, I'm not even sure they visited Jamaica. I'm pretty sure their plane was rerouted to somewhere in Asia.

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I've finally built up enough strength to get in my chair everyday ("strength to sit in chair" Things I Never Thought I'd Say # 2,555,697) and stay a while...or so I thought. After 5 consecutive days of 8+ hours up, not quite. I knew when I went to sleep last night I was gassed, but I didn't think I was sleep until 2:30 P.M gassed. GOO! I wake up at 7. Happy birthday, America! Sorry I missed it.

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Baltimore hasn't been this bombarded since Francis Scott Key wrote a poem about it.

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The A's have a pitcher named Fautino De Los Santos. That just sounds like a guy your wife would leave you for. Fautino De Los Santos is a home-wrecker. What about the kids, Fautino? Jerk.

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Watching USA vs. Brazil soccer. Don't ask. I don't know why, either. Soccer players are the biggest drama queens ever. When they fall it's like, "SWEET MOTHER! MY LEG HAS FALLEN OFF! CALL A DR.! TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM!...Wait. No my shoe just came untied. I'm good. Game on! WEEEEEE! This is fun!"

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You know those "before and after" weight loss pictures? Well, Prince Fielder claimed to become a vegetarian back in 2006, yet he still maintains his "before" body. How does that happen? Never knew zucchini sandwiches packed such a caloric punch.

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I just called Amanda; she didn't answer. When this happens, I always assume she doesn't want to talk. I wait until her voice-mail picks up and leave my message BEFORE the beep. Then it beeps and I angrily yell "HAPPY NOW!?"

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Apples are the Yankees of the fruit world - they're always good: by themselves, juice, sauce, pie, Jolly Ranchers, Ipods (<---slight reach), etc...

Prunes are the Rangers. Mostly irrelevant, but excellent in helping you evacuate the contents of your stomach.

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I find it odd that Ice Cube is arguing with a Coors Light can. I find it odder that he's arguing in a manner that implies that the can started the argument.

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Nothing like being jolted awake at 4 AM to a rebel leg spazzing out. My body lives in complete anarchy from the chest down. My left leg starts bouncing around at random times like it's Richard freaking Simmons. The only defense I've came up with is, "Stop that. Please, stop that? Simon says, stop that?". For the record, it's worse at "Simon says" than it is at walking.

Jason Mazingo Some would say the anarchy extends above the neck as well--I'm not one of those.

Bryan Smith I was going to put "Above the neck isn't exactly Buddhist Zen."

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‎7 hours without internet sent me into panic. I immediately went out and bought 6 months of nonperishable food rations, a windup radio to listen for the official government emergency press release, and a paddleball because, well, paddleball is minutes of fun until that little rubber band breaks. "OH NO! IF THE RANGERS MAKE A TRADE, I'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE IT ON TV! MIGHT AS WELL GO BACK TO CARRIER PIGEONS!"

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Yesterday I woke up at 5 am, watched "Jeopardy" ("Things awesome people do, $400, Alex."), drank a Boost after every meal and fell asleep at 8. I went to bed Wednesday 28 and woke up 82. It looks like it's "Matlock", Lipitor and buttermilk from here on out. And for Pete' sake, TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN! DARN KIDS!

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I hate seasonal allergies. I wake up everyday sounding like Randy Travis. Do you know how stressful it is to wake up and feel obligated to belt out "On the Other Hand"?

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If I ever meet Marie Callender, I'm giving her an extremely long, awkward hug. Then, in a moment of weakness, I will confess my love for her...and compartmentalized food. She will be flattered and accept my marriage proposal.
We will live happily ever after, with lots of freezers.

So, that's probably what I'll do tomorrow.

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I think a baseball bats length should be measured in Pedroia's, not inches. Q: "What size bat is that?" A: "About a Pedroia 1/2."

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If you have an old school parent, might I suggest a game? Take a random rap lyric (Google helps me here.) and form that into a serious question. For instance, "Hey Dad, back then they didn't want me, now I'm hot they all on me...why is that?". The challenge is to keep a strait face as they look at you in stunned silence.

And that's Wednesday. I need a nap.

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Nelson Cruz is a big fan of hitting 5 ounce spheres with wooden sticks over man-made objects positioned between 315-400 feet from a plate that is home to baseballs.

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Had a dream last night that I was at Amanda & Adam's and they started throwing change at me. Don't visit Amanda & Adam in your sleep. They're terrible dream host.

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Today I start my second decade of college. I've become the "Old Dude" that's in every class. I've got to find some common ground with these kids to open conversation. I'm thinking I'll go with "Hey guys, uh, remember Trapper Keepers?" This...may not go well.

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Things I learned from my 1st day of school: 1.The blonde that sits by the door was totally checking out my tail lights when I rolled by. "Hey baby, want to get together for a yogurt? Or perhaps a whole plate of food even?" 2. Bruce Springsteen calls a "fastball" a "speedball." Totally unacceptable. 3. I tried to pay attention to my professor, but when he said he was from Auburn, all i could think about was randomly screaming "War eagle!" for the rest of the class.

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As I sit here eating ribs, flipping between watching a game full of physical violence (football) and another game with guys hitting an object with a club, I suddenly realized we're kind of all still Barbarians. We've just dressed it up a little.

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Does FEMA make house calls? My e-mail inbox is a disaster area. I have offers for both male and female enhancement (Pretty sure that's sexual harassment.), Nigerian princes are freaking out left and right (I'm the only hope for peace in Africa!), and some website called "Woman Within" keeps getting past my spam filter (Yahoo is bullying me - repeatedly calling me a girl.). Checking e-mail shouldn't be this stressful.

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Big N' Rich need to go on College Gameday. Them singing, "We're coming to your city...If you want a little zing in your zang-zang...Come along" confuses me. What does that even mean? Should I go along, or call authorities? Putting "a little zing in my zang-zang" sounds like a threat.

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SMU has a player from Estonia. That sounds so made up. I think that's the neighboring town to Bedrock in "The Flintstones". Someone check his birth certificate. I bet Hanna-Barbera are listed as his legal guardians.

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Amanda walked in a few minutes ago while I was reading and said, "Hey bub, you reading?" After I responded "yes", she walked closer, pointed to my book and said, "Those pages?" I just dropped my head and said, "That's the general idea." Lord help her.

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There's a contestant on Jeopardy named Charlie Tinkle. I giggled. That's how I realized I'll never be grown up enough to be a contestant on Jeopardy. "Charlie Tinkle? What is hahaha, Alex?"

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Tonight is Adam's first game, so I took the opportunity to give the new bro-in-law a pep talk. It went something like this: "Hey, you freakishly tall human, win tonight or you're not invited to Thanksgiving. Don't even think about Christmas. If you embarrass me out there, I will take out your knees with my chair." Anyways, I think it really touched him, because as he stormed out of my room (Ready to take on the world, I assume). I think I saw tears.

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Also, heard the phrase "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." today. That phrase is dumb. I would rather have spoiled eggs more than an overabundance of baskets. That saying should be: "Put all your eggs in one basket. Eggs are biodegradable, baskets aren't. Plus, eggs can be bad for your cholesterol. Your probably better off just ruining the eggs." Let's make it happen, America.

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The Dr. just told me I have a "runner's heart". I should have told him he has terrible eyes.

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Starting my day with a jog...down memory lane, and remembering how I don't miss jogging!

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Auburn's defense is terrible. Defensive Coordinator Ted Roof is on the hot seat. In fact, his seat may be scorching. Yes, folks, Ted Roof, Ted Roof, Ted Roof is on fire!

(I'm so ashamed of myself.)

….

Mark Sanchez has been on his back so much in the first half he has been named an honorary Kardashian.

(Too far?)

….

If Jerry Jones' facelift allowed him to show human emotion, he'd look sad.

….

Tom Brady is awesome at hitting people with footballs. I bet he was always picked first in dodgeball.

….

Sebastian Janikowski kicked a 63 yard field goal last night. That's 190 ft., or 3 Julio Borbon at bats.

….

Just saw a preview for "Dolphin Tale". A true story about a dolphin who survives without a tail. Aren't we adding insult to injury with that title? That's like naming a movie about a quadriplegic "Crazy Legs".

….

The Cleveland Indians logo is such a sham. There's no way a Native Americans dental hygiene was that flawless. Secondly, there's never been anyone that excited to be from Cleveland. You're not fooling me, Indians organization.

….

The Indians have a player named Shin Soo Choo. No, I didn't just virtually sneeze. The Indians actually have a player named Shin Soo Choo.

….

Just heard a Country song (broken headphones = sad Bryan) that had the lyrics "Make love to me tonight and leave him out of this ..." That dude managed to combine the most totally pathetic and completely reasonable suggestion ever into one sentence.

….

I'm watching "The Wind That Shakes the Barley" for class. I'm sure it's good, but I only understand like every fifth word because their Irish accents are too thick. I'm making up the dialogue as I go. Some guy just got shot for saying Jerry Jones is a good owner. Ireland loves the Cowboys, apparently. They even fight a war over them. It's intense. A must see for Cowboy fans!

….

Miami Hurricane fans are so silly! 25,000 of them showed up dressed as empty seats. Good one, pranksters!

….

For each Denny's commercial you see, add 1,000 calories to your daily intake calculator.

….

Listening to a little Cowboys pregame coverage. I know I rag on Jerry Jones a lot, but as a child I thought he gave a masterful performance as Skeletor in "The New Adventures of He-Man".

….

My professor always ask us questions during lecture. I never know the answer, but I always submit my best guess. So it may go something like this..(slight dramatization)

Prof: Who were the Allied Forces during The Great War
Me: United States, Germany, and Puerto Rico.
Prof: Incorrect
Me: Whatever. Jet, Dirk and JJ were all instrumental in defeating Miami in the Great War of June. For a History professor, your memory is terrible! P.S. Europe is boring. BURN!

However, today he was talking about rivalries and asked "Btw, what is The South's Oldest Rivalry?". I quickly answered "Auburn/Georgia". That's right, you're in my world now, Europe boy. Have a seat.

….

I want to dress in a crown and robe one day and act like a king at Chic-Fil-A. Every time you pull up, they ask, "How may I serve you?" that just makes me feel really important. All of my demands are going to be things they already do. For instance, "In an effort to cut cost for the kingdom, make sure to only put 2 pickles on each sandwich." "Straight fries bore me. See to it that our fries are of a waffle variety." "One more thing, see to it that we have illiterate cows as our mascot. That clown freaks me out."

….

What I'm about to tell the roughly 450 of you stays between us. It's that secretive. I've got a reputation to uphold. Plus, revocation and permanent suspension of my man-card is at stake. On the way home from school today I was playing on my iPad when "Stay" by Lisa Loeb shuffled up (No, we're not at the embarrassing part yet). About midway through the song, I caught myself singing along. I looked left, then right, left, right, left, right (you get the point) to make sure someone in the car beside us didn't catch me on camera. I'll never do it again!

Who am I kidding? Song is awesome!*cues music* "So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,"...Join me, won't you?..."and this woman was singing my song:..."

….

‎"Moneyball" is released today. I'm excited. Not so much for the release, but because this will be my first (and only, perhaps) chance to annoyingly tell people, "The book is soooo much better than the movie."

Well, unless Hollywood finds a dog brave enough to tackle Hank the Cowdog's biographical tale.

….

College football, How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
You're awesome...and stuff.

That poem sucks.

….

Don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Unless, of course, that man is known to have athlete's foot. At that point, your physical well being is a concern and judging a person becomes a safer alternative, in my opinion. I mean, why risk it?

….

Phil Costa has an interesting take on playing Center. He just snaps the ball whenever he sees fit. Phil Costa waits for no man. Interesting strategy. Let's see if it works.

….

I was sleeping well, but was jolted awake when Phil Costa hit me with a poorly timed, wildly erratic snap.

….

Not to brag, but I'm only 28 and read on a 30-year-old level.

….

I feel for all of you who sleep past 4AM. You people miss the best infomercials. If you guys need salad tongs that double into a belt buckle, you won't know where to turn.

Losers.

….

Playoff baseball starts today. My already minimum productiveness takes a huge hit. Let the fingernail biting and irrational knee-jerk emotional outburst commence.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING! JUST SHUT DOWN THE ORGANIZATION, RANGERS!

Just practicing. Yep. Still got it.

….

Dear Rangers,

I'm sorry I called you all those mean names yesterday. Can we be friends again?

With hope.
Bryan

P.S. If you lose, I'll never like you again.
P.P.S. My P.S. was a total lie. I'm just using an empty threat as a scare tactic.

….

‎1 TV, 1 DVR, and 3 games happening simultaneously that I want to see. And you people with jobs and kids have stress!?! Step into this pressure cooker!

….

If at the first Thanksgiving the Pilgrims and Indians would've celebrated with breakfast burritos, their relationship never would've deteriorated. Breakfast burritos are that magical.

Pilgrim to Indian: "Thinking about heading west a little. This city life ain't for me. Plus, the school system received unsatisfactory scores on their standardized test."

Indian to Pilgrim: "Tell you what, have your wife whip up some eggs, sausage, and cheese...toss that into a tortilla, and I'll help you pack the Yokeswagon. Oh, the salsa! Don't forget the salsa!

….

Rob Ryan looks like Sam Elliot...if Sam Elliot ate Sam Elliot and a file cabinet.

….

Maybe Romo thought they were actual Lions and the football was a spear. If that's the case, you have to applaud his accuracy. A lot of lives were saved in Arlington by Tony today.

….

Tony Romo sent a good luck pregame message to the Rangers, but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

….

I'm not sure how many working nerves I have (paralysis is tricky), but baseball isn't good for them.

….

‎"I'm so cited!!!" - A well researched paper.

….

Whenever there is a bike rider following me too closely on campus, I'll start slightly weaving. This makes me unpredictable, and they usually don't pass. The only reason I do it is for my amusement.

Does this make me a jerk?

….

I'm currently witnessing a Ken Smith lost remote meltdown. You do not mess with his "The Rifleman" or baseball viewing. It all builds until his go to comment comes out, "When I find it, I'm gonna tie the dang (edited) thing to the couch."

I like to encourage it a little from my room. "Wow! Pops, did you see that play? Oh, nevermind. Forgot."

….

Football is dumb, anyway. It's all about occupying your neighbor's property. Oklahomans are all about stealing land. Greedy jerks.

OU's football team has 48 points, and 43 teeth.

If this was golf, Texas would be crushing scoring records. History!

(This is me coping.)

….

If you ever play hide and seek with Derek Holland, hide in the strike zone. He'll never find you.

….

Phil Coke is pitching.

Ron Washington, don't snort him.

….

When my parents were teaching me life lessons, they should've taught me that it's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time first. That would've saved me so much heartache.

….

Endy Chavez's wardrobe consist of things JJ Barea grew out of.

….

I really like the song "Lazy Eye" by the Siversun Pickups. It makes me feel bad, though. Feels like I'm taking pleasure in others misfortune.

But then I think, "There has to be some dude with a lazy eye out that really likes "Walk" by Pantera. We cancel each other out! *presses repeat guilt free* Cheers and rock on, unknown lazy eyed Pantera loving dude!"

….

Can we just give Detroit to Canada? Would anyone miss it? It's main export is crippling depression.

I'll personally send the people of Detroit Molson and maple syrup to help them get acclimated.

….

Think I'm going to try to get kicked out of class today so I can watch game 5. I'm just going to keep raising my hand and asking random stuff.
"I love Cheez-Its. Your thoughts?"
"Do you like Dan Patrick?"
"How many pets do you have?"

….

Does anyone know if the Texas Rangers won their baseball match yesterday? Did Josh Hamilton score many goals? I meant to watch, but was out birdwatching and totally lost track of time. Aren't sparrows magnificent!?!

….

I'm tired of it. In 2012 I will be voting for the presidential candidate that agrees to build a wall on the border that keeps illegals out of Texas. The river just doesn't work too well as a natural barrier.

I mean, how many Oklahomans in violation of their parole do I need to see on my TV every week?

….

I want to post my internet joy, but the game isn't over. Premature e-speculation would be embarrassing.

….

THE RANGERS ARE GOING BACK TO THE WORLD SERIES! I LOVE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING!

(Note: “EVERYTHING” does not include snakes. I still hate those. Snakes can bite me! Well, no, that could be misconstrued. Snakes can do the opposite of bite me! Snakes can figuratively bite me, but literally keep their distance!)

WOOOO RANGERS!

….

BenJarvus Green-Ellis had a dream as a kid. That dream was not to make it to the NFL, but instead, he wanted to go through life with the most confusing name in the history of ever. Congrats on realizing your dream, BenJarvus Green-Ellis...er, Ben...uh, Mr. Jarvus Green-Ellis....aww, screw it! Congrats, B!

….

Woke up and slapped some Icy Hot on the neck, then went about my business. Just a second ago I was sitting here (standing is overrated) when I caught a whiff of minty goodness. It took me a second to remember that it was the Icy Hot. Then it dawned on me that my neck is kind of like my wheelchairs air freshener. I'm going to get a tattoo on the back of my neck in the shape of a pine tree.

….

On my way to class today, a pine cone fell and hit me on top of the head. I now know how Isaac Newton felt. You know, with significantly less mobility, brains, and deliciousness... and significantly more hysterical mom laughter.

….

I was on Twitter looking at some Mark Twain quotes...

Amanda: What are you doing?
Me: Looking on Twitter at Mark Twain quotes.
Amanda: Mark Twain has a Twitter!?!

….

Seeing the introductions gives me chills...I think.

….

Mark Rzepczynski, you can't just throw a bunch of random letters together and call it a name.

….

‎"Nobody in his right mind would've left her." was George Strait's overly nice way of telling that girl "It's not you, it's me...but really it's you".

….

Today in lecture we were talking about the Nazi occupation of Europe in 1940-41. Our professor was making a point about Hitler's greed when he said, "Bryan, you're Hitler. Isn't that enough?" I quickly answered, "Sit-ler? You would think so." I was sure that I had just hit a walk-off. After he and the rest of my classmates picked themselves up off the floor, he was going to cancel the rest of class because we had obviously reached today's high watermark. Instead, I got a halfhearted, insincere laugh from him, and nothing from my classmates.

Sit-ler? C'mon!

….

If the Cowboys lose to the Rams, and the Rangers lose to the Cards, I propose we change Missouri's state nickname to the "Quit showing us state." We see you. jerks. Leave us alone.

….

In honor of Derek Holland, tomorrow I will wear wooden shoes.

….

Jason Motte is pitching. Not gonna lie, that guy can make awesome applesauce.

….

If I ever start thinking I'm tough, I remind myself that I sometime have difficulty swishing listerine for the recommended 30 seconds.

….

Shoes on a quadriplegic are kind of like floaties on Michael Phelps.

….

Endy Chavez is adorable. Yes, a man can call another man "adorable" provided he's under 5 feet tall.

….

My Dad has cussed everyone in the organization the last 2 innings. Takes me back to Little League.

….

If the Rangers lose, I'll become numb...well, number.

….

We have 4 World Series wins in franchise history. Can we be like the Oscars and get a career achievement award? A free appetizer at Outback? Anything?

….

Toledo is known as the "Glass City." The University of Toledo plays at the Glass Bowl. Such a transparent name.

….

There is an awesome garage sale going on at Tom & Sandy Williams house. What's at this garage sale, you ask? That's an excellent question. I have no idea. Who knows? There could be a map to buried treasure. Josh Hamilton could be there signing autographs. i mean, the possibilities are virtually endless! I do know that I just got off the phone with my mom and I had to ask her "Are you at a garage sale or a night club?" Go for the party: leave with a reasonably priced hoodie!

….

I'm a big fan of "Fall Back", but it's an adjustment. I can't "Spring Forward". If "Collapse Where You Stand" is ever part of the time change, my body will not have to acclimate. *fingers crossed*

….

When athletes scream "WHAT TIME IS IT!?!" and their teammates respond "GAME TIME!" before games, I wish someone would respond with "I'VE GOT A QUARTER TILL 7, BUT MY WATCH RUNS A LITTLE FAST! IT'S JUST AN APPROXIMATION!"

….

iPads are great educational tools: ebooks, audiobooks, helpful apps, etc...

Unfortunately, I rarely use mine for any of that, because I'm too busy trying to help virtual mini Bryan reach his dream of playing professional baseball. That's right, I set aside my own personal well-being to help a kid reach his goals. A truly selfless act on my part. Does that make me a hero? Well, that's not a question for me to answer... but, yeah it does.

….

Checked my fantasy football for the first time since... well, the night we drafted. it appears my team has had a rough go of it without my guidance, starting out with a 1-8 record. Even worse, I've been starting 2 guys with blown out knees since week 1 (RUB SOME DIRT ON IT, KENNY BRITT!).

I try to keep it in perspective, though. It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fake play the imaginary game.

….

‎1.Amanda tells me her & Adam will be here later.
2. Roll over to my candy jar and evacuate my peanut butter Snickers to an undisclosed location. "Forget the M&M's! There's no time!"
3. Practice my shocked look for when Adam says, "There's no Snickers?"

Productive morning.

….

CJ Spiller is a terrible name for a running back. That's the equivalent of having a quarterback named Tommy Turnover.

….

Dear Faith Hill,

if you ever decide to drop that McGraw loser, Facebook me. Maybe we can go on a little dateski. Perhaps go for a little 2 for $20 at Applebee's. I'm placing the ball firmly in your court.

Patiently awaiting your response,
Bryan

P.S. The "queso blanco" at Applebee's stands for "queso white". This is only an example of the riveting discussions we would have, Faith.

….

When we were leaving Nacogdoches yesterday, my wheel jammed in the lift, leaving me sitting in the rain like a giant loofah for 20 minutes. It inspired me to create an awesome scale survey of life experiences for quick reference in the future. Here are my initial findings...

Experience: SITTING IN RAIN

I found this experience to be ____.(please select one)

1. very not awesome ( )
2. not awesome (X)
3. normal awesome ( )
4. pretty awesome ( )
5. amazingly awesome ( )

Additional comments: I soaked this experience in.

….

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me...unless those aforementioned words are carved on those aforementioned stones. In that case, stones and words would both hurt and possess equal bone breaking capabilities.

….

So this quadriplegic walks into a bar...Wait! Aww, crap! This joke needs work. Disregard.

So this blind guy walks into a bar...stool, but he quickly catches himself and just has a seat.

(Don't judge me, that joke has a happy ending!)

….

Family Thanksgiving today. Nothing says "I love you!" more than exchanging insults and threats of physical violence with your cousins.

….

Thank goodness. Losing a football game to Rex Grossman would be like losing a spelling bee to Dez Bryant.

….

I don't watch NASCAR, but I've heard it's pretty cool in person. However, with one small addition I'd tune in every week: intersections

….

Thanksgiving dinner is fast approaching. With four siblings/siblings-in-law that are teachers, it should make for an interesting table discussion. Perhaps something like this…

Mom: So how was everybody's week?
Jill: A former student pulled me aside and told me that I was the reason she decided to get into teaching. It made my heart smile!
Amanda: My students are really starting to get the hang of our TAKS exercises. I'm really excited about the progress!
Brent: Our team was able to pull out a win this week. I was really impressed with the teamwork they displayed.
Adam: My team lost, but the kids fought hard to the end. I was really proud of their effort.
Me: wow! Where to begin? I've got so many irons in the fire. Let's see, looked up Mickey Tettleton’s career stats. Did y'all realize he had 245 career home runs? What else, what else? Oh, I made a joke about Dez Bryant being dumb on Facebook, so that was cool. How could I forget!?! I found the greatest video ever on YouTube of a chimpanzee riding a Segway! It was amazing! I watched it no less than 15 times! So, as you guys can imagine, I'm pretty pooped. Dad, can you pass the mashed potatoes?

….

On our way home from Nac. yesterday, my Mom was listening to The Ranch. I'm usually tuned out listening to music, reading, or self thumb wrestling (Neither thumb wins. They just stare at each other.). However, yesterday Ronnie Milsap's lyrics "I'm having day dreams bout night things, in the middle of the afternoon." caught my attention. Good grief, Ronnie! Have some decency, man! I have written my own song in response titled "Ronnie Milsap would not have been productive with a desk job, because he had trouble focusing. He admits this much in the middle of his songs." Look for it on iTunes.

….

I want to extend an olive branch of civility to my Aggie friends.

Well, this is embarrassing. Seems I've misplaced my olive branches.

75-37-5

….

Can't wait to read Dez Bryant's autobiography "Eye Lyek Futbal".

….

Some people hand out turkeys to the less fortunate for Thanksgiving, Tony Romo hands over footballs to opposing teams. If we all took lessons from Tony Romo on how to treat your enemies, this world would be a better place.

….

Wow! The Cowboys cheerleader they just showed… I would so trade two of my finest oxen to her father for her hand in marriage.

….

I try to never use the wheelchair as an excuse for anything, except for buying extra time on school papers that I have procrastinated on, I really play it up, too. “I typed my little paralyzed heart out, but my little paralyzed fingers just weren't fast enough. Is there anyway I can get extra day?”

Now I can sit here and enjoy this epic battle between Northern Illinois/Eastern Michigan without worrying myself with all of that silly book learning .

P.S. I really hope none of my professors have access to my Facebook.

….

Red Rover is a weird game to teach kids. "If you break through enemy lines, you get a hostage!"

….

The Sports Illustrated "St. Louis Cardinal World Champion" commercial makes me want to go for a long stroll on a short pier.

….

I was sitting in here reading, feeling pretty good about myself and my productivity on this day when my sister came busting in the room and says "Good Lord! You've got a huge pimple on your forehead!" Thank you, Sis, for keeping my self confidence in check.

….

People in glass houses shouldn't...have spent money on such a poorly constructed home. Throw stones, collect the insurance and hire a contractor who isn't a moron this time.

….

When Tim Tebow thought about his opponent this week, he was a Christian ponderer pondering Christian Ponder.

….

Jason Garrett puts his kids in timeout as a reward. The correct time to use timeouts totally baffles him.

….

I just want to take this time and tell everyone to have a hap... "TIMEOUT!!!"

Crap. Jason Garrett strikes again.

….

Laying out my clothes for school tomorrow. I'm self-conscious. I always have to ask that question "Does this shirt make my rear...wheels look big?"

….

When my professor thanked us for taking his Contemporary Europe class yesterday, I should've blurted out "Wait! Contemporary Europe? This hasn't been History of Latin America? Oh dear. I gotta go. Does anyone know if the Registrar Office is still open?"

….

Sometimes my legs spasm and awkwardly gyrate for 15-20 seconds. I like to think that my legs have just had enough and they have to stop for a dance break. Then, I'll start flailing my arms wildly, too. My opportunities to get my groove on are limited. I must take advantage.

….

I think my tuition over the years at SFA is solely responsible for the new dorms, parking garages, and field turf. As a show of appreciation for my financial contributions throughout the years, I think SFA should change the mascot to resemble my likeness.

Can you imagine how awesome a bearded guy in a flannel shirt and suspenders rolling around in a motorized wheelchair, while carrying an axe would look?

….

Tony Sporano fired by the Dolphins. I gotta say the plot twist of having him coach the Dolphins following the whole diner fade to black ordeal has been confusing.

"Focus on the good times," Tony!

….

I'm so tired of reading about the freaking Irish. In fact, I'm totally ridding my life of anything Irish. Therefore, my 25 year love affair with Lucky Charms is now over.

Thanks a lot, Dr. Booker. Homewrecker.

….

Tubby Smith is the coach at Minnesota and what my mom threatened to change my legal name to in middle school.

….

I have to make a 3 (at worst) on my final.

Dear Lord,

Please don't let me be the Rangers of test taking.

Amen.

….

I have no idea how Rob Ryan will be able to get in his sleigh and deliver presents to kids around the world following the Cowboys game next Saturday.

….

If seven-year-old me could've told Santa what he really felt, it probably would've went something like this.

Dear Santa,

It's that time of year again where I hope that one week of being good totally outweighs the other 51 questionable ones. Before you're too quick to judge, let me explain myself. First, sorry for cussing Brent out for beating me 100-36 in basketball. Is he a jerk? Yes. I mean, you saw it, too. But I should've handled myself better. However, my dad and butt had a serious man-to-hand discussion and I feel they really straightened things out. You really shouldn't step on my parents toes when it comes to discipline. Also, I am sorry I told Amanda to get out of my room. In my defense, I never asked for her as a present. Blame yourself. She kind of just showed up one July (Btw, weird time for a Christmas gift.) and never left. I'm sure there are elves at your workshop that annoy you. Don't be a hypocrite. Lastly, I totally didn't mean to bust out that window by throwing the pear. I was trying to hit my dad. Big difference. As you can see, these events are easily exploitable and not worthy of further ridicule.

Anxiously awaiting your arrival,

Bryan

P.S. Stop it with the sweaters. More toys.

P.P.S. If I see my mommy kissing Santa Claus, I'll stick your red bag where the sun...OH LOOK! COOKIES

….

Rudolph was born with a glowing red nose. A true silver lining to the Chernobyl meltdown.

Yep, bet you didn't know Rudolph is Ukrainian.

….

Family Christmas today. Time for me to put on a smile and act like I'm not jealous of Maddi, Libby, Harper, Jed, and Izzy for getting more presents than everybody else. "What's that, Jed? You got new golf toys? Yeah, well, at least I don't have a bedtime."

….

Little known fact: The name "Santa Claus" first appeared in the American press in 1773.

Littler known fact: Jerry Jones, who was already on his third facelift at that time, proposed the idea.

….

Today I'll celebrate Christmas with those people I truly love. Yep, I've decided to carry my Rangers team photo wherever I go. Plus, I think my siblings will be here, too.

Relax. It's a joke. If I had to rank them, I probably love Brent more than Yorvit Torrealba.

….

The Jets offense keeps shooting themselves in the foot. Plaxico Burress nods in approval.

….

Since it's Christmas, I will not make fun of professional athletes on facebook today.

Someone help Dez Bryant read this, please.

Starting now.

….

Finally reading Josh Hamilton's book. I didn't realize how similar we are. It's eery. Check it out:

-Josh is a guy. I'm a guy.
-Josh likes baseball. I like baseball.
-Josh is left-handed. I'm not left-handed, but my mom is. So, genetically I was close.
-Josh had to battle drug addiction. I've had to battle my parents constantly asking me "What's wrong with you? Are you on drugs?"
-Other stuff.

See, it's uncanny. I' m trying to figure out why we're not BFF's playing Jenga right now.

….

Watching the Little Caesars Bowl. If there's a better way to reward college-aged students for a job well done than sending them to Detroit in late December, I'd like to know it.

Since Detroit gets a bowl game, I'm assuming Mogadishu is next on the list.

….

If my dad would've had Maggie (Amanda's dog) before his children, Brent, Amanda and I never would've came to be.

I "sit" 16 hours a day. He's never been amused to the point of tossing ME a treat for it, though. Is it possible to have a sibling rivalry with a dog? The next time he tells her to "spin", I'm pushing her out of the way, spinning, then yelling "SHE'S NOT SPECIAL!"

….

Working on my pick up lines in case I ever meet Erin Andrews. After careful thought, I've narrowed it down to a couple...

Me: "You're in need of GPS."
EA: "Why?"
Me: "Because you seem to be lost in these eyes."

OR

Me: "Can I get you a life preserver?"
EA: "Why?"
Me: "Because you seem to be drowning in these blue eyes.
EA: "Your eyes are brown."
Me: "Shut up! Are you going to give me the number, or not?"

I don't think it matters, both of those are golden. That poor girl doesn't stand a chance.

….

The Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl is today. I think if Rob Ryan was coaching either of the teams the sponsors would be like: "Rob, when we came up with the slogan "fight hunger", we were thinking more along the lines of a global concept, not a personal challenge. We admire your dedication, but stop fighting. Please."

….

I see ESPN is testing my New Year's resolution of not taking sports so seriously by running their "Year in Review" show. Game 6 of the World Series highlights on repeat and I've only felt like throwing my laptop at the TV 3 times. Progress.

I don't wish bad thins on people, but I hope there is a cricket chirping wherever David Freese is that annoys him greatly. Of course, if the cricket was placed there by a Ranger, he would just line it to the gap for a double.

….

Now that I'm out of college, I guess I'll look for a job (See, that's why I wanted to stay at SFA forever.). Thought I would ask my facebook friends to be on the lookout for me. What are my selling points? The better question is "What aren't my selling points?", but here are some highlights:

-Only took 1 decade to receive my bachelor's. (Well, 1 decade, 6 months. Leave the 6 months part out, though. Sounds bad.)
-I routinely break par on "medium" difficulty in Tiger Woods PGA Tour 12
-I can name the 2001 Rangers starting lineup.
-I can touch my nose with my tongue - a cool office party trick.

I'm available for hire immediately, but will require every MLB Opening Day Off. Let the bidding war for my services begin!

….

Just saw an ad for the "Forever Lazy" pajama suit. Look, I'm a big fan of being lazy. In fact, I pretty much wrote the book. But if you're so lazy you need a "zippered hatch for the front and back for when duty calls", I don't think we can be friends anymore.

….

Austin Peay has the best cheer in sports:

"Let's go Peay!"

You can't help but appreciate a cheer that offers moral support and advocates bladder comfort for all.

….

I can tell I'm getting older because I have to take two TUMS when I see a Taco Bell commercial. Also, applesauce becomes makes more sense by the day. "Let me see, I can get the taste of an apple without having to do all of that work chewing requires? Where do I sign!?!"

….

Doctors appointment in Houston today. I suspect it'll something like this:

Me: Hey Doc, how ya been?
Dr: Not bad. How are you feeling?
Me: Still feeling kind of paralyzed.
Dr: I was going to say you still look pretty paralyzed.
Me: ...
Dr: ...
Me: Good talk, Doc. Let's do it again in 6 months.

….

Wheelchairs that double as recliners is an untapped market. I'm going to start it up and name the company "Really La-Z-Boy".

(I would like to take this time to publicly apologize to my mom and Kevin for having to endure this lunacy. This is what happens when I can't watch sports.)

….

I've got a AC joint & biceps tendon tear. A devastating blow to my chances of making the Rangers rotation out of Spring Training. On the plus side, they gave me steroids, so I should be hitting bombs at the plate following my 50 game suspension.

….

Sitting here watching Amanda and Kevin absolutely destroy every dessert in this house. It's like a race to see who can become a Type 2 diabetic first.

….

I don't drink coffee but I have my own way of kick-starting my morning. I've even wrote a jingle to counteract Folgers' "Nothing wakes you up like Folgers in your cup." ad campaign: Nothing makes me goes like fumes from a Vicks Vaporizer in my nose.

It still needs a little work.

….

I love having an iPad. I can now text/voice message my siblings/siblings-in-law/cousins whatever anytime without fearing immediate physical violence. 6:30 AM on a Saturday? Well, that's the perfect time to ask Sis if she likes sunflower seeds.

….

Today is a landmark day in my growth as a human. After roughly 110 weeks of clicking "Remind Me in 1 Week" on the registration for my voice activation software on my laptop, I've finally completed that chapter of my life.

As a reward for my responsible behavior, I have decided to send repeated text to my Dad today and watch his look of confusion as his phone continues to beep. I've earned this.

….

This Wikipedia blackout has already screwed me over like 4 times this morning. How am I expected to enjoy my Lucky Charms without knowing the history of General Mills or the life and career of Doug Melvin?

*slowly pours out cereal, stares blankly out window*

….

When life's task become impossible, I want you to look in the mirror and repeat this: "Rome wasn't built in a day."

Then, I want you to keep looking into the same mirror and say: "Why am I talking to a mirror? That's clearly me in that mirror. I didn't need to say this aloud. I should probably stop doing that now and just comb my hair. People could be watching. Rome wasn't built in a day, but a diagnosis of mental instability only takes a second."

….

If anyone is thinking about buying me new clothes, my current size is 336-348 month.

….

Some people see the glass half full.
Some people see the glass half empty.
Some people look at the other two types of people and sees someone who puts too much thought into a glass of water.

….

I think a crick in my neck is my body's way of saying, "I hear you've been trashin' me on Facebook? Take that!"

I hope everything entertaining in the world today takes place to the left!

(Side note: If I see you today and you tap me on the right shoulder causing me to turn my head, I will try to punch you...or wildly flail my arms in something that vaguely resembles a punch, anyway. Then, I'll give you a high five, because that would be a good prank.)

….

Kate Upton is on The Dan Patrick Show. I would so win her love by telling her that I would make her chocolate chip pancakes. If I know women like I think I do, that's all they really look for in a mate - the ability to make chocolate chip pancakes.

Then, after we were married, our relationship would rapidly deteriorate when she found out that I, in fact, do not know how to make chocolate chip pancakes. No relationship can sustain when it's foundation is based on that big of a lie.

Well, this is great. I fell in love and lost it in two paragraphs. I'm going to go write a country song about the experience.

….

St. Johns has a player named God's Gift Achiuwa (a-choo-a). I can't imagine how many times a day that guy hears the phrase "Bless you."

….

A ranking of Aaron Ross' greatest athletic achievements according to me:

1. 8th grade boys basketball district title.
2. Voted "Most likely to impale you with a dodgeball" in 6th grade.
3. Marrying an Olympic champion.
4. 2 Super Bowls
5. BCS Title
6. Thorpe Award

I'm sure he agrees.

….

According to my Mom, I have an outside shot at the top 3, strong possibility at top 5, but I'm definitely in her top 10 favorite people in a wheelchair.

That leaves me BCS eligible, and that's all I ask for.

….

I thought I knew pain until a few minutes ago. I was in the shower washing my face, when a sneeze came on. I ended up inhaling a Ron Washington sized snort of Old Spice High Endurance.

If your showering experience includes the phrase, " DEAR LORD! IT'S IN MY BRAIN! MAKE IT STOP!", something has gone terribly wrong.

….

I was listening to an interview with Ron Washington on the Josh Hamilton situation. It was hard to disagree with what Wash was saying, unless you're a subject or a verb. They objected after every sentence.

….

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm not really into poetry,
So how about that Long Beach St./Creighton game last night?

….

Messing around in Tyler with Mom, Pops and Sis.

Dear Family,

You're welcome for the excellent parking.

Bryan

….

Since there are little sports on this time of year, I've been watching Investigation Discovery. That channel scares me and makes me skeptical of everyone. Thanks to Investigation Discovery, all of you are now suspected of being up to something until the NCAA Tournament.

If you ever see someone writing something down while watching Investigation Discovery, RUN!

….

‎Amanda's phone messed up the other day and mom forced me to give mine to her. I don't think my appeal of the decision was terribly convincing: "What!?! How will I know if Brent or Kevin's refrigerators are still running!?! I'm genuinely concerned!"

….

Today is "leap day." I'll need a ramp to participate.

….

I've been asked to speak to the 4th graders in Athens. After careful thought, I've pretty much nailed down my opening ("So, sup?"), but I'm debating where to take it after that. I have narrowed it down to 3 choices:

1. Yu Darvish's impact on the Rangers rotation.
2. Jerry Jones' failure as GM.
3. Why LeBron James couldn't hold Michael Jordan's jock.

Blame yourself, Athens ISD.

….

Brent & Jill got a new puppy. Unfortunately, they're having trouble identifying the sex of it (Yes, really. Worst Biology students ever?). Anyway, Brent and I were talking about it and he says, "It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. Hunter swears it's a boy, but I've never seen a male with breast." I responded with, "Sure you have. You're forgetting my high school years." I started patting myself on the back and sobbing uncontrollably at the same time.

I pulled the elusive simultaneous "Aww crap!" and "Oh snap!" on myself.

….

Watching the Drexel/Virginia Commonwealth basketball game. A guy playing defense for Drexel just had his shorts accidentally pulled down to his knees. The phrase, "on ball defense" has never been so literal.

….

I received my diploma in the mail. Honestly, I was pretty underwhelmed. However, the purple SFA cardboard tube it came in? Well, that couldn't have been anymore of a pleasant surprise. The possibilities are endless with this thing. I can use it as a megaphone. For instance, "Hey Amanda, come here for minute. Be sure and duck, I wouldn't want you to hit your head on the doorway." Now instead of just annoying the living room, I can annoy the whole house. Or, maybe I'll use it as a piggy bank, I don't know. I certainly should start saving for my 2.75 million dollars in student loans I took out (that McDonald's Dollar Menu really adds up after a while). Perhaps I'll just wait for the day when an important document falls into my hands. Now instead of stressing over where to keep it, I now know the perfect place.

Diplomas get all the glory, cardboard tubes are the real prize here.

….

Montana is going to the NCAA Tournament. Montana's head coach is named Wayne Tinkle.

If you're looking for a team to root for in the tourney, I urge you to...Go Tinkle!

….

I just opened a Mr. Goodbar. Proper Mr. Goodbar eating etiquette calls for one to break off a square and each one individually (I don't make the rules. I just play by them). However, when I opened it, it was broken in 100 pieces. This upset me and I threw it in the trash. It would've been like supporting replacement players in MLB during a strike. Sure, it's still chocolate, just crappier quality.

"Mr. Goodbar?" More like "Mr. Dasher of Hopes and Dreams.”

….

Vanderbilt plays Harvard in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. The combined points of both teams will also roughly equal the average IQ  of each participant. I bet they don't even talk about basketball during timeouts:

Coach: "Guys, let's focus! With Kim Jong Il's passing, what do each of you think will become of North Korea? Rebuttals encouraged."
*buzzer sounds*
Coach: "Shoot! Stupid athletic competition! Hold your thoughts. We'll pick this up at halftime. In the meantime, toss large quantities of spheres through metallic rings. BREAK!"

….

Stumbled across the "My Strange Addiction" TV show. I may develop a strange addiction of watching people with strange addictions.

Boy, that show was...that was something alright.

….

I'm going to start an internet support group for guys to offer advice to other guys going bald. I'll name it Brogaine.

….

You know the great thing about being paralyzed on St. Patty's day? If I forget to wear green, the punishment of a pinch has zero effect on me. You might as well pinch a rock; you'll get the same result. I'm going to wear Ranger red today with no hesitation.

….

Watching Investigation Discovery again. This channel is depressing. Somebody always dies or goes missing. I wish they'd throw in a happy story every now and then. Something like:

"Bill snuck up behind Ted with a knife and then...asked "Hey man, as soon as I get this splinter out of my finger with this knife, you want to head to Buffalo Wild Wings and catch some games?" Ted was like "Yeah, I could go for some Ultimate Nachos, anyway." Bill & Ted had fun and nobody died or went missing. The end."

….

Storms would be less scary if lightning knew how to conduct itself.

….

Wisconsin basketball players' names sound really Wisconson-y. Ex: Ben Brust, Dan Fahey, Josh Gasser, Jarrod Uthoff, Mike Bruesewitz, Jared Berggren, Frank Kaminski.

There is a > 90% chance each of the guys consumed a meal of bratwurst, cheese and Old Milwaukee by their second birthday.

….

The Syracuse Orangemen were forced to change their name to the Syracuse Orange because "Orangemen" was offensive to the cast of Jersey Shore.

….

If the killer in a scary movie is ever in a wheelchair, the people he is chasing should just hangout on the nearest stairs.

….

Indiana has a player named Will Sheehey (she-he). I'm sure his childhood was peaceful and incident free with his classmates. Kids are usually understanding with things like that.

….

When I'm toothless and drinking my meals from a straw.one day, I will probably regret my addiction to Sour Punch. Although, after further thought, a Sour Punch can double as a straw. Well, that works out nicely. Disregard my first sentence. Sour Punch is the gift that keeps giving. Happy tooth decay to me!

….

My 3 favorite sports rivalries:

1. Texas vs. Oklahoma in college football.
2. Duke vs. North Carolina in college basketball.
3. Dez Bryant vs. literacy in daily life. (Ceap fieteeng, Dez! Eye'm pooling fore yue!)

….

If I won the Mega Millions (<---would be easier if I played Mega Millions), I'd buy Neptune. Some might say, "Why not Uranus?" Excellent question, Mr./Mrs. Joke Setter Upper! Answer: I don't need Ur's; I have my own.

I want to apologize to everyone reading this. I woke up in 6th grade, apparently. Party like it's 1995, everyone! What do you guys think of the upcoming O. J. Simpson trial? No way he gets off!

….

The person who has to report from the field during a storm has the worst job in America. If I were ever in that position, I'd try to get fired:

Anchor: Let's go to Bryan Smith on the scene. Bryan, what's it like out there?
Me: Well, Bob, you know how wind, rain, lightning and flooding sometimes suck? Well, they're all forming together to create a mega suck. How's the weather in your CLIMATE CONTROLLED STUDIO? Nice hairpiece, by the way. *drops microphone, rolls off*

….

‎"Giancarlo" Stanton of the Marlins used to go by "Mike" Stanton. That's a huge name discrepancy. It's equivalent to: "I know you're accustomed to calling me Bryan, but can you call me Esteban?"

….

I'm watching Man vs. Food. The "challenge" is to eat 15 scoops of ice cream with an absurd amount of toppings. After he finishes it he says, "Today, in the battle of Man vs. Food, man wins!" If your blood sugar level is the same as Tony Gwynn's career batting average, can you really claim that as a "win"?

….

Prince Fielder is a vegetarian who looks like he doesn't know what the word vegetarian means. No way someone gets that big only eating zucchini.

….

Brent & Adam are going through some of the shoes I've gotten over the last 8 years. The great thing about my old shoes is they're often worn, but never used.

….

Steve Cishek (See-shek) pitches for the Marlins. If he were to marry that Sally lady who is always selling seashells by the shiny seashore, I'd give up.

Steve Cishek's spouse, Sally Cishek, sells seashells by the shiny seashore?(<----Too hard.)

Steve and Sally Cishek own a marine mollusk exoskelton business on the crystal clear beach.(<---Would become acceptable.)

….

Yu Darvish is so wild I just walked.

….

Watching the Rangers on Amanda and Adam's new 65" TV. The players are taller than Brent. I feel like I'm playing centerfield watching it. I'm not a very good guest...."Hey Sis, hey Adam, how are y'all? Where's the remote?"

….

‎100 years ago tonight Rose promised to "never let go" of Jack.

100 years ago tonight plus 15 seconds Rose let go of Jack.

Rose was like the worst person ever at keeping promises. "I'll never let go, Jack!" *lets go of Jack, uncrosses fingers, has margarita*

….

Pitching in baseball is a lot like running a brothel...success depends on ball movement.

(I'm going to sit here and brace myself for the "BRYAN LYNN!" I'm sure to hear coming from the living room if mom logs onto Facebook.)

….

I’m not sure how, but I forgot to post this. Mom and I share a room in case I have a bad dream or my bedtime story runs long: “Mom, can you tell me the World Series story where David Freese strikes out again?” (That, or she fixes my legs after they spasm every night.) Anyway, I was sleeping Saturday morning at 1:30 when I awake to the most shocking, terrifying and confusing sound a person can hear at 1:30 in the morning. The following is a rough, but 100% accurate transcript.

Mom (sleeping): “MEWOOOO!” (really loud and drawn out, though)
Me (75% awake, 100% confused and terrified): “WHA…WHAT THE HELL!?!”
Dad (running from his room 20 yards away): “WHAT’S WRONG!?!”
Me (fully awake): “I don’t know, it’s Mom! Mom!?!...MOM!?!”
Mom (now laughing hysterically): “I’m okay! I had a dream we were being robbed!”
Me (now 175% confused): “So you MOO!?! That has to be the worst defense of a burglary ever. Did you think that if you MOO’ed the thieves would be like “Oh crap! This is a house of cows! We have the wrong address!”
Mom (almost crying from laughing): “I don’t know! I was throwing rocks, too!”
Me: “Rocks…or boulders?”
Dad: “Thank God! I thought something was wrong with my TV! When I realized it was coming from in here, I didn’t know if I should run in here or out the front door! Damndest thing I’ve ever heard.”

I would pay anything for:
1) Dad’s thoughts when he realized the sound was from my room and not his TV.
2) Mom’s laugh.
3) My “SWEET LORD! WHAT IS THAT?” look upon waking.

….

Clete Thomas plays professional baseball for the Minnesota Twins. I feel sorry for Clete, though. He was never able to chase his dream of playing in the NBA. Why you ask? Because Cletes aren't allowed on gym floors. Everyone knows that, silly!

(^Not proud of that.)

….

I remember being Dustin Pedroia's size. 4th grade was a good year for me.

….

Mike Napoli just rejected that baseball like it was personal hygiene and he was Mike Napoli.

….

‎*BREAKING BASEBALL NEWS*
Prince Fielder just stole a base.

*SOON TO BE BREAKING BASEBALL NEWS*
Catcher who allowed Prince Fielder's stolen base uncertain of next profession.

….

Jhonny Peralta should be forced to start every at bat with 2 strikes for spelling his name "Jhonny". What kind of world do we live in where such madness is tolerated? I'll tell you what kind of world. It's a world filled with "Did you mean: Jhonny Peralta" when I search for "Johnny Peralta" on Google. That world is no fun and makes you feel dumb. Let's come together for what is right, America! NO MORE JHONNY 2012!

P.S. You're next, Brayan Pena.

….

Allergens are having a family reunion all up in my head. It's like pollen showed up drunk and started acting insane, while his cousin mold spore showed up with her 8 kids and let them run wild. Creepy Uncle Ragweed is over in the corner and no kids are allowed around him. I've been given no choice but to contact Officer Benadryl.

….

Justin Verlander's pregame meal is 3 Crunchy Taco Supremes, 1 Cheesy Gordita Crunch and a Mexican Pizza from Taco Bell. When people describe Justin Verlander's pitching style as having "gas", they don't know how right they are.

….

The great thing about the ending of the Rangers game today is I learned certain parts of my body could still tighten up if they were given sufficient scare. Whew. Thought that ball was gone.

….

I don't have time to make jokes on Facebook today. I have a Dr's appointment with my urologlist and I need to be serious. This isn't a laughing bladder.

….

There's an old man at the Dr's office who is using his walker and wearing a San Fracisco Giants hat. He's double scoreboarding me. The only thing that keeps me from "accidentally" taking out his walker with my chair is his wife approached me and said "Love the Horns headphones!" and showed me her Longhorn earrings. Saved by Saint Bevo, old man.

….

The appointment with the urologist went well. I did think the pointing and laughing was a bit unnecessary, however. Whatever. The Kenny G playing in the background was a nice touch, though.

(I'll grow up one day. There is significant evidence to suggest this will probably not be that day.)

….

Andrew Luck is about to be the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. His cousin, Anthony Cursed, is expected to go undrafted.

….

I really like the Mo Claiborne pick by the Cowboys. Claiborne has a chance to be very good. Having said that, Mo Claiborne scored a 4 on the Wonderlic. Mo Claiborne makes Dez Bryant look like Stephen Hawking.

….

The Rangers are on pace to give up infinity runs tonight. Also, that is another less medical way to say chronic diarrhea. Therefore, I can scientifically say this game is poopy.

….

I dowse my neck and shoulders in Icy Hot every night because my body is stupid and held together with bailing wire and duct tape. In my paralyzedness, I apparently rubbed/scratched my neck/shoulder while it was still wet and got it all over my hand without realizing it. Anyways, fast forward to this morning when I wake up, I immediately rub my eyes and bite my fingernails (Mom is constantly telling me to stop, but I’m just an outlaw like that). Ten minutes later my eyes look like I just finished watching “Old Yeller”* and my mouth/lips are burning with the fury of 1,000 suns. On the bright side, my sinuses are now clearer than they have been in weeks, and my breath has never been so minty fresh.

*Side note: I’m not for violence, but if I ever meet “Travis” from “Old Yeller”, I’m going to punch him in the face. That guy ruined my life for a week when I was 7: (slight dramatization)

Mom: “Do you want pizza?”
Me: “No. I’ll eat when we find a cure for “hydrophobie”.

Or

Brent: “Do you want to play baseball, bub?”
Me: “No, I do not. You wanna know why? Because I bet Yeller would love to play baseball, BUT HE CAN’T! Older brothers are all jerks who probably shoot people for missing the cut-off man and blame it on “ hydrophobie”. I see through all of you older brothers.”

You’ve been put on notice, “Travis”.

….

Just an FYI, Canada: If you win this game today, when (Yes, not "if", but "when".) I'm POTUS, we're no longer allies. Believe that.

Your choice.
Sorry, let me translate so we're clear: Your choice, eh?

….

Will Rhymes plays for the Tampa Bay Rays. His name sounds like it should be a Dr. Seuss character. I bet his post-game press conferences are interesting:

Reporter: "Will, can you tell us about the game today?"

Will Rhymes: "I enjoy The Cat in the Hat. I enjoy hitting a ball with a bat. I often enjoy naps on a mat. Now, tell me tell me, did you know that?"

….

I see you eyeing my wheelchair with envy, lady at the Dr's office on a scooter. I understand. The Permobil Street has been called (by me) the Lamborghini of paved terrain travel. This is just how I roll. I understand if you want to keep staring in awe, but if you don't mind, I'm going to recline back and relax. Oh, I forgot to mention it has mobile reclining capabilities? My bad. Enjoy your basket on front, though!

….

You know those dreams where you feel like you're falling off a cliff and you jerk awake in horror? I have those frequently. Anyways, I like the roller coaster of emotions you feel in those few moments: "Oh no, I'm falling off a cliff! This sucks!"---->*snaps awake*---->"Owww! Son of a Mother Goose! Could've lived without the violent neck movement!"---->*reality hits*----> "I'm not falling off a cliff! Yay! This calls for celebration!!"----> *thinks deeper about experience*----->"That cliff had to be wheelchair accessible! Awesome! Cheers, dream cliff!"

Also, you always wake up in the middle of the dream. I want to know what I was doing immediately prior to my fall. If I'm going something cool like trying to jump a canyon in my chair like Evil Kenevil and the Snake River Canyon, I want to see it the whole way through. Perhaps I have a parachute packed. Who knows? I need closure to this experience!

….

Brandon Beachy is a pitcher for the Braves. I wonder what life was like growing up as a son of a Beachy?

(Can 28-year-olds be grounded? Stay tuned. You might witness history.)

….

There was a clasp of thunder so loud a few minutes ago that my legs awoke, Riverdanced and then went back to being useless. I was shaking so bad that the dog started petting me.